well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
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