The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
