Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
