I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
