I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
