so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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