youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
