We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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