I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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