I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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