Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
