oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
