Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
