I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
