the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
