I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
