It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You left your phone here
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