Non-Jews are for practice
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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