Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
