White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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