so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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