I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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