i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize