She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
