I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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