Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
