I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
