you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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