Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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