After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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