he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
