I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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