I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
