I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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