remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
