I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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