Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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