pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
