i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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