My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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