You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
