He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
