I just saw a hot homeless man
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
