He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
