We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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