why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
