he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
