I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
