Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
