I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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