Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What a dumb baby whore.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
