ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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