i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
