Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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