i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
