I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
