Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
