remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
