I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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