have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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