My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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