Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
