I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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