i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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