If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
