Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How does one acquire holy water?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
