yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
