I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
