Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
